Machu Picchu- The Not so Ruined Ruins

This posting shall be a direct accounting of our assault on Machu Picchu.2 days before: purchased tickets on PeruRail from Ollantaytambo to Aguas Calientes. Train is the only way into Aguas Calientes and PeruRail is happy to bend you over with their little monopoly. We booked the "Backpacker" in at 5am for $34 and the "Vistadome Valley" out for $60 because the "Backpacker" was already full. The trip takes less than 2 hours. Considering we have been paying about 30 cents an hour on all other transportation this is equivalent to getting a colonoscopy at McDonalds (unexpected and irresponsibly expensive).

Day of: Wake up at 4am, crawl down the road to train station, buy shot of heavily sweetened black coffee from 400 year old lady enroute. Get on wrong train car, wait until University of Iowa shows up (all in sweat pants), realize we are on wrong car, transfer to correct car. Fall asleep. Wake up at Aguas Calientes, stagger out of train with contacts stuck to back of eyelids. Make it to bus ticket lady first (in front of 400 sleepy gringos). Pay $15 for 15 minute bus ride. Experience colonoscopy dejavu.

Begin to wake up on bus as it ascends Machu Picchu. The wheels are inches from steep ravine into boiling river. The bus route is one lane and descending bus drivers vie with ascending drivers for space. There is no apparent right of way. Somehow we make it to the top to buy tickets. The ticket lady has NO CHANGE. Tickets are $45 each, I pay $46 dollars and say keep the change. She will not. I have to go to the toilet guy for change. He says I must use the toilet if I pay. I look around for the hidden camera crew that is obviously making a reality tv show out of me but they are well hidden. Finally we have our tickets and are inside the gate. We have been told that there is a stunning hill overlooking all of Machu Picchu called Wayna Picchu and we must climb it but only the first 400 ticket holders are allowed to do so. I tighten the laces on my Nikes and we take off at a dead sprint across the ruins. Rounding a corner I take out an entire Japanese tour group. Angela rear ends a Llama that tumbles into the ravine. We soldier on and make it to the Wayna gate on the other side of the ruins. There is mass confusion and a sprinkling of hysteria but half an hour later we are through the gate, #'s 148 and 149 for the day.It is then that we realize Wayna Picchu means "vertical rock tower from hell." Recall the scene from Lord of the Rings when Frodo, Samwise and Golem must climb the rock wall near the gates of Mordor. That was childsplay in comparison. In place of Orc's we are menaced by panting tourists from around the globe, gasping for air as they claw their way to the top. Each step is approximately 4 inches wide and made of polished stone. There are no guardrails. I use one hand to steady myself, the other to beat back the vultures that circle in the mist.

An hour later we make it to the top and see Machu Picchu in all it's glory. It is an amazing sight and we marvel its placement, construction and surroundings. To our left and right endless peaks of green are visible in the ebb and flow of morning mist. We sit and have a sandwich and a chocolate bar. Food is highly illegal for some reason and there are no bathroom facilities in the entire 10 acre site. Our sandwiches are delicious, the chocolate hits the spot. (thanks Jim and Jamelle!)An hour later we begin the descent and while I expect to see the surrounding ravines strewn with bodies they are not. We get back to the Wayna gate and sign out and head into Machu Picchu proper. It is rapidly filling with tourists but we are visiting in low season and apparently seeing only 1/3rd the normal traffic. I can't imagine what high season would be like (June-Sept.)
The ruins are spectacular and we make our way towards the Sun Gate for the view one sees in all pictures of Machu Picchu. By 1pm we have our fill of old rocks, tourists and Llama droppings. We head for the exit as the clouds fold in over Machu Picchu and a heavy rain begins to fall.Angela is losing consciousness at this point, snacks have run out and we are dangerously close to a meltdown. I fight my way to the next bus off the mountain and we clamber aboard. We hurtle back down to Aguas Calientes for spaghetti and a chicken burger. I prop Angela's head up with straws until the food arrives. We eat like starved wolf cubs and stagger to the train station.

Angela regains full function as the "Vistadome Valley" pulls into the departure gate. We step aboard oppulence and a self-proppelled single car train that seats about 100, there are barely 30 people aboard as we pull out. Two icy cold Cusquenas later and we are enjoying the mountain views. Soon music blares over the speakers and the train staff puts on a fashion show of local alpaca knitwear. (This really happened.) Then they take a cart down the aisle and try to sell the clothes. We don't buy anything but strike up a conversation with 4 americans from L.A.

We agree to share a minibus back to Cusco and so it is that 2 hours later our train pulls into Ollantaytambo, we haggle for half and hour, and end up in a plush 2008 minivan private charter for $4 each for the 2 hour drive back to Cusco. It is pouring rain the whole way and the driver tells me about all the accidents he has seen and that one should not be out on a Sunday (today) as that is considered "drunk driver day." Nice. We reach Cusco safely, the streets are running with water, we jump into a taxi and return to Bright Hostal for the night. I kick on a pirated dvd of "The Hangover" and then it's off to bed.

Next up: Escape to Lake Titicaca

Random travel tip of the day: Always travel with two (2) mix cd's for your minivan taxi or you may be forced to listen to 80's Euro Hit Parade. I think this is the real reason for South America's high road mortality rate.